Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let’s, in
the words of Monty Python, ‘always look on the bright side of life!’ There
IS some good news from Tuesday’s election.
Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:
1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.
2. Bush’s victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since
Woodrow Wilson in 1916.
3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults
(Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always
wrong and you should never listen to them.
4. In spite of Bush’s win, the majority of Americans still think the
country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn’t worth fighting (51%), and don’t approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don’t try to figure this one out. It’s an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)
5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the
Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won’t be able to pack the
Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say “if the Democrats do
their job?” Um, maybe better to scratch this one.
6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of
our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West
Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that’s a start. We’ve got most of the fresh water,
all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in
lava. And no more show tunes!
7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any
old nut — a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut.
May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.
8. 88% of Bush’s support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will
no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn’t such a long time! If
you’re ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly
golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.
9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married
in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won’t
have to buy now.
10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress,
including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It’s always good to
have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates
11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!
12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don’t want them to go away.
13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3
chambers in Tuesday’s elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state
legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the
2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53
chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47
chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber
(Montana House) is still undecided.
14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than
the one he’s having this week. It’s all downhill for him from here on out —
and, more significantly, he’s just not going to want to do all the hard work
that will be expected of him. It’ll be like everyone’s last month in 12th
grade — you’ve already made it, so it’s party time! Perhaps he’ll treat the
next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the
ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn’t he? He’s already proved his
point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.
15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very
dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two
scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn’t ever need to pander to the
Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear
that he should spend these last four years building “a legacy” so that
history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for
too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and
arrogant — and thus, reckless — that he will commit a blunder of such
major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from
16. There are nearly 300 million Americans — 200 million of them of voting
age. We only lost by three and a half million! That’s not a landslide — it
means we’re almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards
to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of
those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go
home crying — especially when you get to start the next down on the three
yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are
17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the
candidate dubbed “The #1 Liberal in the Senate.” That’s more than the total
number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore.
Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for
a trend it should be this — that so many Americans were, for the first time
since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has
always been filled with evangelicals — that is not news. What IS news is
that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact,
that’s BIG news. Which means, don’t expect the mainstream media, the ones
who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November
2, 2004. In fact, it’s better that they don’t. We’ll need the element of
surprise in 2008.
Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, “My
Romanian grandfather used to say to me, ‘Remember, Morton, this is such a
wonderful country — it doesn’t even need a president!'”
But it needs us. Rest up, I’ll write you again tomorrow.